In the New Testament, Peter asks Jesus, “How many times should I forgive someone who does something wrong to me? Is seven times enough?” (Matthew 18:21 CEV). Jesus responds, “Not just 7 times, but 77 times!” (Matthew 18:22 CEV). It emphasizes the importance of unlimited forgiveness.
Jesus then illustrates His point with a parable about a compassionate king who unconditionally and completely forgives his servant his massive debt of 50,000,000 silver coins (Matthew 18:24 CEV). Conversely this unmerciful servant then refuses to forgive a fellow servant his small debt of 100 silver coins (Matthew 18:28 CEV). When the king heard about this, he was so angry that he ordered the unforgiving servant to be tortured until he could pay back everything he owed (Matthew 18:34).
Jesus concludes his teaching in Matthew 18:35 (CEV) with the following caution “That is how my Father in heaven will treat you, if you don’t forgive each of my followers with all your heart.”
Forgive from the heart.
Forgive one another
We should be willing to forgive others because God forgave us. Colossians 3:13 (CEV) instructs us “Put up with each other, and forgive anyone who does you wrong, just as Christ has forgiven you.” Colossians 2:13-14 (NIV) reminds us “When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having cancelled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross.”
To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.
C S Lewis (1898–1963)
In the Lord’s prayer, Matthew 6:12, 14-15 (NLT) Jesus teaches us “And forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us. If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Jesus is not telling us that if we don’t forgive others, we forfeit our eternal forgiveness. Eternal salvation from our sins comes from Christ’s death on the cross on our behalf. It is not related to any work that we do, including forgiving others. If we are born again our eternal life is not in jeopardy. But our life on earth before we enter eternity is.
In Matthew 18:34 (NLT) we read “Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.” The consequence of unforgiveness is torment on earth. Whereas the consequence for rejecting Christ, is torment after we die.
Jesus reminds us of the importance of forgiveness in Mark 11:25 (NLT) “But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”
Forgiving is independent of the other person. It doesn’t matter if they are dead or alive, if they apologise and repent, if there is restoration or not, or if they change or not. Unforgiveness lies in us, not them. The Bible does not give us a list of preconditions or requirements for us to forgive one another. The Greek word used in Matthew 18 means to free fully. We have to set them free from all obligations. Open the prison door of our wounded heart and let them go. Matthew 5:44 (NKJV) tells us to “love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.”
Unforgiveness
According to Matthew 18:34-35, if we don’t forgive, we open ourselves to discipline from God. The Greek word used for tortured in this passage is “basanizō”. The word “basanizō” means to torture or torment, either physically, mentally, or emotionally. It can also mean to vex, harass, or distress.
There are always consequences, real and painful consequences, to our unforgiveness.
Scripture teaches us that a loving Father disciplines a child. Hebrews 12:5-6, 11 (NLT) “And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening – it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.”
This is an issue of discipline, not punishment. God provided a path of escape from all distress caused by our unforgiveness. As soon as we forgive, the connected discipline of distress is legally cancelled. The moment we forgive we are released. Punishment, on the other hand, only ends when the punisher decides that the offender suffered enough. God, however, is eagerly awaiting to grant us freedom. Please note: not all suffering or distress are the consequence of the sin of unforgiveness, but some of the anguishes we experience, may be, because of this sin. Ask God for help to reveal any hidden areas of suffering caused by unforgiveness. Psalm 139:23a (NIV) “Search me, God, and know my heart.” Forgiveness is not a universal cure that magically solve all of our problems. There is no way to know exactly what suffering is connected to our unforgiveness until we forgive.
God established the rules that govern our lives. The choice is ours to live in freedom, joy and peace. When we choose not to forgive, we open ourselves up to anguish. Distress brought on by unforgiveness can result in physical, financial, relational, mental, emotional or spiritual suffering. Unforgiveness is a sin and sin creates a barrier between us and God. In the parable the king didn’t torture the person, but handed the servant over to others. God doesn’t torture us, but when we choose not to forgive, we choose to leave the protection of His manifested presence exposing us to torture from others. According to James 2:13 (NLT) “There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.”
In unforgiveness, we also forfeit so many blessings that could be ours, including answered prayer. Isaiah 59:2 (NLT) informs us “It’s your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, he has turned away and will not listen anymore.”
God expects His children to forgive others as He has forgiven them. This expectation is rooted in His character and the grace He extends to us.
The real truth is that God calls us to be like him – a forgiver. He expects us to have His character to forgive everyone for everything that they’ve ever done wrong. Ephesians 4:32 (NLT) “Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” We must forgive. As hard as this may sound, God gives us the grace and power to do that any time we choose. Psalms 18:29 (NLT) “In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall.”
The phrase “with all your heart” (Matthew 18:35) signifies genuine, sincere, complete, heartfelt forgiveness, not merely a superficial or obligatory act. We cannot forgive “just as God” without the internal transformation work of the Holy Spirit.
When unforgiveness becomes an infection
Unforgiveness is like an untreated wound causing complications.
If we don’t clean a dirty wound, it becomes infected. This infection can spread to become a systemic infection affecting the whole body. Just like physical wounds, the wounds of our heart can become infected. Impacting our whole life.
‘To forget it’ and ‘move on with your life’ is not appropriate wound care. Even if we try to ignore it, the wound remains and it will become infected and the infection will spread. God, our Great Physician, prescribes the correct remedy or wound care – forgive. Each physical wound needs individual attention. In the same way, we need to identify each trespass and forgive it.
5 Complications of unforgiveness:
- Unforgiveness can spread. From a wound infection to a systemic infection. Turning into anger, bitterness, resentment, malignance and hatred impacting all areas of our life.
- Wounds that are not forgiven demand preventative care. We build walls around our heart to protect ourselves from future hurt. However, fortified walls also keep others out. So, we lose affection and meaningful attachment in our relationships with others. We lose emotional sensitivity. We become aloof. We are essentially trapped inside our protected city.
- Not forgiving someone can escalate from an incident into an unhealthy habit. Every habit starts with a first. You cannot become an addict without the first experience of a substance. Unforgiveness is no exception. If we don’t forgive the first time, we are less likely to forgive the next time. Unforgiveness becomes a habit. This habit becomes embedded as a negative characteristic. It becomes part of our life and personality.
- We look at others through clouded eyes of unhealed wounds. We don’t trust others and we miss read their actions and motives.
- We develop feelings of insecurity or self-pity, anxiety or even depression. A walled off heart is a closed heart and we can feel like we cannot connect to God.
Unforgiveness towards ourself
Through sin or a genuine mistake, accidentally, unknowingly or intentionally we hurt others or wound ourselves. Words we said, choices we made, things we did. We repent and seek God’s forgiveness. ‘I know God forgave me, but I cannot forgive myself’. Forgiving ourself isn’t that simple. Especially if there are other people involved or affected by it. Or when it set off a chain of events that can’t be reversed.
Every time the thought of what happened crosses our mind we cringe. There is anger towards ourself – how could I have been so stupid, careless. We start believing the enemies lies about ourselves – I blew it, I am not worth it. Maybe we even self-sabotage ourselves. All of these are examples of unforgiveness towards ourself.
But here’s the deal. We cannot rewrite the past. Beating ourself up over it isn’t going to change anything. It will hinder us, and probably others, from moving forward. We need to end the self-inflicted suffering. We need to offer ourself the same mercy and compassion we give to others that did us wrong. Grant ourself forgiveness.
Everyone makes mistakes and wrong decisions.
The Bible has many examples of people who messed up, big time, but God forgave them, and still used them. They still fulfilled their divine destiny. For example: Jacob was a liar, Moses was a murderer, David was an adulterer and a murderer, Peter denied Christ, all the disciples deserted Jesus when he was arrested and Paul was a Christian-killer.
Nobody can go back and change the past, but we can start today and create a new future.
Forgiving ourself isn’t about letting ourself off the hook, or justifying what we’ve done. It’s about believing what God has said about us in His Word. It’s a choice that takes courage and strength, and it gives us the opportunity to become an overcomer rather than remaining a victim of our own contempt and guilt.
No matter what condemnation or accusation the enemy are whispering in our ear, he is a liar. He wants to render us useless to the kingdom of God. Isaiah 43:18 (AMP) “Do not remember the former things, or ponder the things of the past.” If we keep rehearsing our mistakes and failures, and keep meditating on what we did or should have done, we lock ourselves in the prison of our mind. The key to freedom and receiving true forgiveness is in changing, or renewing, our mind to believe what God says about us.
One key to forgiving ourself is in our head. It is renewing our thoughts.
2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV) instructs us “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” To walk in forgiveness, we need to change our thoughts to believe what God is telling us. To think about ourself the way Jesus does. We change our thoughts by meditating or thinking on the Word of God. We need to forgive ourself, and replace thoughts of condemnation and shame with what God says about us. Romans 8:1-2 (NLT) “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.”
I am forgiven by God. I accept God’s gift of forgiveness when I forgive myself.
Gift of forgiveness
Prayer: Father, Your forgiveness of my sins, trespasses and mistakes are an undeserved gift. As far as the East is from the West, so far You removed my transgressions from me (Psalm 103:12). You washed me whiter than snow (Psalm 51:7). Not only do You forgive my sins, but You also forget them (Hebrews 8:12). Help me to show the same compassion and mercy to others to forgive them as You has forgiven me. I accept your gift of forgiveness and forgive myself. I will live in the freedom from condemnation and guilt Christ gave me. In Jesus name, Amen.
